Broken

It finally happened last night. I fell apart. I hit rock bottom so hard that it hurt. It had been an incredibly long week physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I had to run to the store for one item and it hit me on the way home. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I simply sat in the driveway when I got home and cried. I also pleaded with God quite a bit. October has been really rough.

This week started all the tests and doctor visits for my mother’s cancer diagnosis. I had no idea you had so many trips for tests and doctors before they decide which stage the cancer is at. Also this week, my mother-in-law got out of the hospital on Monday and went back in on Tuesday with pneumonia. I spent all day Tuesday with appointments for Mom then stayed at the hospital until midnight getting my mother-in-law through the emergency room again. These type of days are becoming way too common.

My brother-in-law and his wife happened to be down visiting my mother-in-law so they got to spend the evening waiting for answers with my husband and I. It was kind of nice to have a little company for a change. They also got to see some of what we go through on an almost daily basis anymore.

This all lead up to my breakdown on Thursday. What put me over the top was my mother’s attitude.  She is the most negative person I know. Since she has developed dementia, she has gotten worse. I have been spending several hours with her every day this week. From the minute I pick her up until the moment I drop her off, she does not stop talking and 95% of what comes out of her mouth is negative.  I was trying to concentrate on traffic Thursday when she got into one of her rants. She gets so angry over nothing! I snapped.

Yes, I got upset with my mother and threatened to cancel all of her appointments unless she changed her attitude. I said why fight for her life when everything in her life is so unpleasant and makes her mad. Yes, I basically yelled at my mother who has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Yes, I will probably be going to hell for it! I had no choice though. It was threaten her with turning the car around or having my head explode and running into oncoming traffic.

So I don’t know what caused me to lose it that night. I don’t know if it was the stress of having to be strong and take care of things. It could have been taking in the pain of the situations. Or it was the guilt of yelling at my sick mother. I mean, who does that? I think it was a combination of all three.

I felt broken last night. Spiritually broken. I think that is what it feels like to hit rock bottom. I guess that means I hit rock bottom last night. I finally went inside and my husband could see that I had been crying. I fessed up and told him what was on my heart and going through my brain. Afterwards, I was exhausted and simply fell in bed.  This morning I woke up feeling almost normal. Never underestimate the power of saying your feelings out loud.

I got a break today since my mother’s appointment was rescheduled for next week. I finally got to pay some bills for the parents then head over to the hospital to check on my mother-in-law. She went in on Tuesday evening and she just now got a room tonight, Friday evening! I stayed rather late to make sure she got settled in and fed her. She’s at the point where you have to feed her. Despite the long day, I’m not that tired. I’m seriously thinking that breakdowns are good for you.

Today was Friday the 13th and it was a typical Friday the 13th. It was the luckiest day I have had in months. I got good news, I got a break from my mother, she called in a better mood, and my mother-in-law turned a corner. She almost seemed like herself by the time that I left. You have no idea how badly I was needing a day when things went right. As I was driving home, I blew a kiss towards the sky. I was so upset last night because God wouldn’t talk to me. Today I realized it was because he was busy listening. Thank you!

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