I started this page as a way to make myself take time and collect my thoughts. I forgot about the fact that there are times when I love to try to hide from my thoughts. That has been the case lately. Have you ever hit a point where you feel so overwhelmed that your mind goes blank and simply shuts down? That’s me at the moment.
Part of the problem is the fact that the parents seem to love to compete on who can be the sickest. My mom was recently diagnosed with rectal cancer. We actually didn’t even bother asking the doctor about the stage. It’s spread and they were wanting to do surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. Mom decided that her body can’t handle all that and is going to let nature take its course. I think that it actually takes more courage to turn down the treatments. I also fully believe that she is taking the right actions.
Since we stopped all the doctor visits, I was able to switch gears and visit my mother-in-law in the hospital during the day today. I’ve been spending my days going with Mom to the doctors or taking tests then going to see my mother-in-law at night. That means that I haven’t seen her doctor since that first night in the emergency room. That was ten days ago! So I spent the day in her room and waited to see the doctor. This is the fourth time that she has been in the hospital since September 1st and she has been there ten days so far this time. I almost wish I hadn’t taken time to make sure I saw the doctor.
The doctor said that he ended up bringing in someone else as another opinion as to why my mother-in-law’s white blood cell count won’t go down despite the fact that she has been on almost every single antibiotic known to mankind. Yep, not good news. They are trying to rule out everything possible before going where they think the answer is at. The answer would be leukemia. Yep. The other mom would also be diagnosed with cancer after the age of 80 and her cancer would top my mom’s cancer. See? Trying to out do one another! I know they’re not doing it on purpose. If you can’t joke about it, you fall into a puddle of tears.
First I had to take in the fact that my mom has cancer. Then I had to watch her get so exhausted going to all these tests and appointments that lead up to the cancer treatments. Next I had to have that really difficult talk where we figure out the best course of action. You think the talk about the birds and bees are hard, you should try the one about what to do about cancer! Finally, I had to take in the fact that her best course of action is nothing. I thought I would get a break from cancer and just deal with Alzheimer’s by going to see my mother-in-law then bam. An even worse type of cancer to think about.
I have just one question for life. What the fuck?!?! Sorry if I offended anyone with that word but there is no better word for it at the moment. As my nieces’ aunt Butch would say, “Fuck fuck fuckity fuck!”
On top of everything else, my husband has developed an abscessed tooth and the whole side of his face is swollen. I couldn’t even take time to drive him to the dentist since I was running back and forth between the two mothers. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m literally out of answers. Anyone out there have any ideas? I’m just looking for the answers of life. Nothing too complicated.
I’d love to sit down and have a good cry but I can’t even manage that. I’ve hit the point where I am so numb inside that I can’t even cry. All I wanted to do when I got home was to sleep. That’s what I did. I made sure my husband had taken his antibiotics and then I crawled in bed. I’d still be there if he hadn’t crawled in bed and woke me up. That forced me to get up and face my thoughts. It’s much easier to hide from them when you’re sleeping. Speaking of, I think it is time to try to hide out again. I’m going to go literally pull the covers over my head. Peace.