The Crud

I’m on day 16 of being sick after catching the flu. That name is very misleading. It makes you think that it is going to fly in and fly back out. You know, it “flu” by. No, the stuff I have flew in, made a nest, and is now in the process of hatching eggs. It does not deserve the nice short name of the flu. It deserves a name like the crud.  And the crud is getting to me.

The crud is causing me to have an existential crisis. I don’t know what to do. Like, literally, don’t know what to do with my life. The past few years has been all about taking care of the parents. Both of my husband’s parents have left us and mine are in a nursing home. I only have to take them to the doctor maybe once a month now. I can finally start defining who I want to be. I feel like a teenager wondering what I want to be when I grow up. Though I’m a teenager with a lot of debt and half the energy of a teenager.

My problem might be all the webinars that I’ve been watching. The newest one watched was how to become a consultant by Sam Ovens. It made me realize something. I have no niche, no specialty. I’ve had to be a jack of all trades for so long now that I don’t know how to go down to one thing to specialize in. How do you figure out what it is that you want to do?

We spent a small fortune trying to get our real estate investment company up and running. I have trouble making myself work on it because of the reminder of the fact that we opted to use the money we had to start it rather than pay off credit cards. It’s kind of like a feeling of buyer’s remorse. I still think real estate is the way to go but now it has all these emotions attached to it.

I know my biggest problem with trying to figure this all out. It’s the crud. It has my brain fried and me looking like Rudolph. I also know why the crud is hanging on for so long. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted after this past year. The last three months of 2017 alone was enough to send me into a tailspin. I still don’t understand why such a sweet lady had to go through the torture of Alzheimer’s. There really is no way to describe everything that happened during those three months. I just know it did something to me.

So how do I pull myself up and figure things out? Last year gave me the opportunity to toughen up and not be such a pushover. I did find my voice. That was a good thing. That’s my problem. I don’t just want something that makes money. I want to do it on my terms. I want to truly help people.  I also want to be able to make my own hours so that I can continue to be there for my parents and my husband. When I get into the corporate world, I tend to let them take over my life. I don’t want that anymore.

For now, I guess the one thing I truly want is to get rid of the crud. Just one night where I don’t wake up trying to cough up a lung. Just one day where I don’t have to blow my nose. Is that really too much to ask?

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