Grief is a strange thing. You can have grief for so many different types of things. I think I’ve been hit with so many different layers of grief all at the same time that my brain doesn’t know how to deal with it. I find myself looking for ways to cope. My newest thing is looking at crystals to heal my chakras. Considering I used to give others grief over thinking about such woo-woo types of things, you know I’m at a major loss and needing comfort. Plus now I no longer consider it woo-woo.
Comfort is another one of those items that can come from many different sources. There’s comfort food, comfortable surroundings, comfort sex, comfort snuggling, comfort music, and on and on and on. My problem is I can’t find the right type of comfort. Am I doomed to never feel whole again?
My personal grief comes from parents, current financial situation, too much to do with a lack of end in sight, lack of purpose, my husband, and from death of loved ones. You can only take in so much hurt before you feel your heart turning black. You go into the anger and resentment mode. Then you go into the I don’t give a damn anymore mode. I think that mode might actually be worse than the anger mode.
The I don’t give a damn anymore mode does an extreme amount of damage. Let’s take my husband on this one. There is another woman who has been causing me grief for a few years now. I will find something out then I’ll ask my husband about it. I already know the answer before I ask. So what is the response I get? Yes, it’s a lie. He doesn’t know that I can confirm that it is a lie. I came right out and asked him today if he wanted out of the marriage so that he could pursue her. He said no. So is that a real no or just what he knows I want to hear. I’m at the point where I would much rather know the truth.
This is how much I’m in this mode. When I was thinking about confronting him about secretly talking to her while he’s at work, I had the whole divorce worked out in my head. What is scary about it was the fact that I was fine with it. Yes, it was scary thinking about trying to pull myself out of our current hole by myself but it wasn’t the end of the world. I don’t know if that is a sign of maturity or simply stuck in the I don’t give a damn anymore mode of grief.
I’m thinking what it means is that I have hit a point where I am burnt out. I’m burnt out trying to take care of everyone else. I am in desperate need of time alone out among the trees with my camera. I need time away from everything and everyone. I’m one of those people who needs alone time in order to recharge my batteries. I haven’t had any alone time except for a few hours at a time for more than a year. I think that is what I need to get back to being me.
That’s my real problem. I lost me somewhere along the way the past few years while taking care of parents, animals, and a husband. Taking care of parents is part of what lead to this problem with the other woman. I don’t know what to do about it all. I can’t tell you what I like, what I want to do, and can’t make a decision if my life depended on it.
So I’m back to thinking about crystals to heal my chakras. It couldn’t hurt to try. It’s got to be better than this limbo that I’ve been stuck in forever.
All you lovely people, have an awesome weekend. I’m going to go get dressed so we can make an exciting trip into town for AutoZone. In case no one has told you recently, I want you all to know that you are extremely beautiful both inside and out.