Feeling Stuck

Have you ever hit a point in your life when you just can’t seem to get past certain hurdles in life? You know that you need to get moving but you can’t. Or you finally get the motivation to get moving then you find yourself in the same exact situation again. Or both things are happening.

It’s been almost two months since we lost my mother-in-law and I am finally coming to grip with everything. I keep replaying the last year over and over in my mind to see if something could have been done differently so that she didn’t have to go through all that she did. Or that we didn’t have to go through all that we did.

We have a friend who we wanted to go tell in person about losing Sally. He sent me a text on Sunday asking how she was doing. So I had to tell him. The way I summed it up for him finally helped me. I told him that she practically went into late stage Alzheimer’s almost over night after her knee surgery. A neurologist that we had taken her to when we were fighting the long term insurance claim said that she had been living with Alzheimer’s for up to 10 years already. That surgery must have been the trigger her brain was waiting for to kick in the Alzheimer’s up to full gear. Telling our friend that finally let me see what had happened clearly for the first time. There was nothing that we could have done differently.

That actually helped me out. We were headed down to work on the properties for both sets of parents. We are trying to clean and organize my in-laws’ place and keep my parents’ place maintained. It was actually a bit easier working on them with this new found understanding of what had gone down the year before. Then I made a very big mistake. I told my husband that I felt like things were finally calming down enough where I could actually think about moving forward with my life. I even had a job that I was excited about applying for. Then I got the call this morning.

The nursing home called early this morning to say that my mother had fallen. She was okay but they have to let me know. I headed over there to find them both sick. I was barely gone 48 hours!! My dad has been fighting off a respiratory infection but he looks worse than he did a week ago when he first started feeling bad. My mom has a sinus infection that is leaving her weak and wanting to only sleep. At one point, my dad’s breathing sounded just like my mother-in-law during her last couple of days. I just went numb at the sound of the rumble coming from his lungs. That bad feeling became planted in my brain. No, no, no, no, no!

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve spent the past few years in this slow (which sometimes feels quite too fast) march towards death. My brain is frazzled, my heart is frazzled, my energy is zapped. I don’t know what to do. I’m definitely afraid to make any kind of plans for the future. I don’t know if I’ll have to abruptly stop them yet again. And I would. For them, I stop everything.

What I really want and need is a break from it all. I need a moment when I don’t have to keep my phone nearby in case I get “the” call. You know, the call that says we’ve rushed them to the hospital.

I’ve lived through depression. Working on my resume was difficult since it brought up memories of it all. I left my job in 2006 due to the fact that my allergies had gotten so bad that I thought I was going to have to move into a bubble. Problem was I was allergic to plastic too so I would have been allergic to the bubble. Yes, things had gotten that bad on the allergy level. So bad that it seemed ridiculous. With the allergies came depression. I don’t know which one took me longer to get over, the allergies or the depression. They’re both still with me to a degree.

They both also caused this horrible fear.  I’m afraid to go back to work since I think I’ll get sick and go back into depression.  I’m also afraid to go back to work since it will trigger my parents to get worse and I’ll lose them because I put my needs first. I’m stuck alright. I’m stuck in damned if I do and damned if I don’t kind of situation again. Worst part about it is it is all in my head. I just need a brain transplant. That would work.

So this is me. Not knowing what to do or what to feel. I just know that I don’t want to have to feel anything for a little bit but I’m guessing that isn’t an option. So I’m stuck. Stuck feeling too much when I wish I felt nothing.

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