Recently, I heard this awesome quote. “The man who chases two rabbits catches none.” Well, dang it! No wonder I’m spinning my wheels. I’ve been chasing a whole fluffle! I found out yesterday that is what you call a group of rabbits. It’s now my new word.
I realized that I’m not even chasing those rabbits. I am simply trying to keep them on some sort of path so that we don’t all fall off the cliffs. I think that might be worse than chasing them. If I were chasing them, I would at least possibly have a rabbit at the end of the day. My way just leaves me feeling exhausted.
I also realized that I simply gave up for the past few weeks and continued to do things that needed to be done but left me getting nowhere. I think my brain hit a point where it just shut down. I’ve had to take in so much over the past two years that it couldn’t take in anymore. Do you know where that got me? Even farther behind!
I ended up having a Scarlett O’Hara moment the other night. You know the end of the movie where she is standing in the middle of the field with a clump of dirt in her hand stretched out to the heavens making her declaration that she will never be hungry again. That’s the scene I’m thinking about when I said I had that moment. I spent quite amount of time on the phone with the bank that has our mortgage. We are at the point where they will start moving towards foreclosure. I had to swallow my pride and ask a friend for the money to make a payment and gain us another month to figure things out. On the way home, I was shouting my intentions to whoever would listen that I would never be in this situation again.
That seemed to help. The next day I got two places asking me to come in for an interview. It also helped to snap me out of my funk and get things done. I had been needing to go up to the nursing home and fix some items that weren’t going well for my parents. Hospice has been a lifesaver. Mom and Dad are so much better cared for now with the extra attention. Dad was even able to come off the oxygen.
I spent four hours up there with them and got so much done. The pureed food they serve Dad was so thick that he couldn’t swallow it. I asked that he go back to normal food. I had to sign a waiver stating I was aware that eating normal food could kill him. That is so strange. Signing a piece of paper attesting to the fact that you know food could kill your father. I say let him enjoy himself since he’s basically stopped eating. That will also kill him so let him eat!
The time there was also a chance to get Mom on anti-anxiety pills. The other day I don’t think she knew my name. Yesterday she couldn’t think of my mother-in-law’s name even though she had been close to her. Then she was talking about her father and grandmother like they were there. Yes, the dementia is progressing. The anger and anxiety are progressing even faster. She turned my father’s breathing treatment off early so she could talk easier and Dad told her not to since there was still medicine left. She turned it back on then hit him. These pills better work or I’m going to have to have them put in separate rooms.
Despite all of that, it was the best visit that I’ve had with them in a long time. I attest it to my Scarlett O’Hara moment. Maybe now I can start to get other items wrapped up so that I can get rid of more of those rabbits I’ve been trying to keep in line. I’m ready to chase only one rabbit instead of herder the whole fluffle!