Figuring Things Out

Feeling overwhelmed all the time starts to take a toll on you after a while. You can’t sleep, you start gaining weight, your hair starts breaking so that you have all these wild short hairs sticking straight out of the top of your head, you start getting acne like you were 16, and so much more. I know all of this first hand. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve put on 12 pounds while eating less. I very seldom sleep all night. And I plain and simply feel frazzled.

All this has also given me the chance to reexamine my life. What else are you supposed to do when you hit rock bottom? I think I found where everything changed for me along the way. See, I used to be confident and living my life for me. Then I suddenly put my life up on a shelf and started living solely for others. I realize now that it happened back in 2000. That was the year that my health started going downhill.  I think it is also when I first started dealing with depression. I’ve been dealing with it ever since. Yes, I am a closet depression sufferer. I think the word used for that is actually denial.

When the depression got really bad in 2006, that was when I gave into it. I literally went to bed for about three weeks. I didn’t acknowledge it until 2007. What’s weird is my husband used to try to convince me that I had depression back in 2006. Now when I say he was right, he says I was never in a depressed state. Talk about screwing with your head! When my niece was visiting back in March, she asked me if I was dealing with it now. I quickly said no while inside I was agreeing with her.

I had to borrow money from a friend to help keep us from going into foreclosure. He pointed out that my husband’s shopping problem and my inability to tell him no was a big part of our problem. I was already very aware of that. That was like last year when my husband insisted he needed this $300 mixer since he had started baking while we were getting close to the end of our savings with no income coming in. Did I tell him no? No, I asked if he wanted the red or black one. I can’t make myself tell him no for the life of me! By the way, he’s never used the mixer! He also almost completely stopped cooking anything after that and left it all to me.

I used to not have trouble telling him no. This is also at the point where I couldn’t tell anyone else no as well. I hated to see my sister sad so I would drive her 14 hours to visit her daughter in Arkansas. I can’t tell you how many times I put myself in danger during those trips. It happened more than once.

I know the turning point. It was when I had the colonoscopy of January 2001. That was when things changed for me. Something happened to my body and my brain after that. None of the doctors over the years took me seriously when I said that. I still think what happened was that left me open to an overgrowth of candida. Doctors don’t take me seriously when I ask about that too!

I know that some may claim that it is a cop-out but I do think that the underlying depression that has been there for almost 20 years is a big part of our current financial situation. I would feel like crap all the time and didn’t want my husband to feel bad too so I’d let him spend on whatever. Then I can’t face it all and throw all the unopened mail into a box and put it in the closet. I have so much mail to go through that it just might take an army to sort it all out.

Now I find myself stressed out beyond belief and feeling like I’m dealing with this all alone. My husband is into his normal habit. He goes to work and comes home to watch TV. That’s it. He sleeps fine at night. He doesn’t worry about any of it. That’s my job. I’ve got to find a way to make changes or I’m simply not going to be here anymore. Then I have a mother with worsening dementia who thinks I am Cinderella. Yep, I’m going to snap. I don’t know if it will be mentally or physically but it is coming. I just don’t know how to stop this ticking time bomb.

One day at a time. That’s all I can really do. Just take it one day at a time.

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